We often live in an imaginary world. We create stories in our head and believe it to be true. The author of traditional yoga texts, Patanjali explained that delusion to be one of the 5 kleshas or causes of suffering. The stories we create in our heads are delusional. Let’s take an example.
I have a great neighbor who bakes and often gifts us with fruits and breads made with new recipes. She’s a bit of a grandmother for kids around here. At her place, the kids will always found something sweet and good. The other day, we invited her for a little afternoon get-together. Although she had other plans and could not come, she messaged and said “I’ve asked the others to drop off a pineapple at your place!”
There are two things I am allergic to: Pineapples and kiwis. At that moment, I could not tell her that I was allergic and therefore would not be eating her gift. I simply replied saying “oh, thank you so much.” Our friends who heard this story immediately said “why didn’t you tell her?”
It is a good question to be sure. Despite my daily teachings and counselings, I still, sometimes, find it hard to say no to certain people. If you’re like me, you’ve done something similar before or you’re still doing it. Why do we do this? Especially something like this. It’s not like I choose to be allergic to her gift. It just is. So why? In my opinion, people find it hard to say no to certain people because they are getting something out of it.
Let’s break it down.
The fact is, I am allergic to pineapples. I cannot change that and it’s not my fault. But somehow I chose to hide that fact. What did I feel in that moment?
- Uncomfortable
- Hesitant
- Reluctance
- Ungrounded
- Unsure
But also,
- Grateful
- Thankful
- Fortunate
- Touched
- Appreciative
Because I felt all of these things in that moment and let’s add “at loss of words to explain while showing appreciation” so my quick and easy strategy was to say “thank you” because you can’t go wrong with that, can you? or….can you? The moment I said “thank you” I felt:
- Icky
- Regret
- Apprehensive
- Questioning
- Uneasy
Because my immediate reaction was to question whether I should have explained or not.
By simply saying “thank you”, I have avoided having to explain and be “that” person. We all know that person that has multiple dietary demands everywhere he/she goes and force people to prepare something special for a group event. I hate to be a burden. And I know exactly where that judgement comes from.
Years ago in Canada, Paul McCartney and whoever he was married to at that time made a big stink about people in Northern Territories clubbing seals. Right around the same time, a guy I knew from Newfoundland asked me how I felt about it. I said “well, I don’t think it’s right. It’s animal abuse, no?” How naive I was at the time. He went on to ask me if I ate fish or chicken. I said yes. Then he said what’s the difference?
I realize there’s an extensive debate to be had here but it was the first time I questioned myself about eating animals. Then the documentary film, Shark Water by Rob Stewart came out and I immediately became a vegan pretty much when I came out of the theatre. Then I became that angry, lecturing activist who tells everyone around what to do and what to eat and why they should not be eating animals.
When I think of my time as a vegan, I am filled with shame. By lecturing people around me, I was valuing being right, more than true connection. Once I came out of the mist of being that kind of a vegan person, and for many other health reasons, I eventually settled on being a vegetarian and now I am a flexitarian of sorts. When I was a vegan though, I made everyone around me cringe. I explained my boyfriend at the time had to explain to his mother who was completely unfamiliar with veganism what that meant and she made all sorts of effort. One day, she said to me, that she had made her delicious pea soup then she said “but don’t worry, I took the ham out of the soup for you.” I realized then that I was not going to turn down her soup, not when she made so much effort. I felt like I was such a burdensome person to have around for dinner. My judgement for strict, angry vegans started around then.
Is it really necessary for me to turn down her soup in the name of spreading the words about animal abuse and environmental footprint caused by human consumption of meat? What would I have valued more? My being strict and vigilant about veganism to save the world or my appreciation to her efforts to make things easier for me? Which is more important?
So let’s go back to that moment I said “thank you” to the pineapple gift. I didn’t want to be that burdensome person who demands things even for gifts. I valued belonging and being accepted in a generous community like this one more than being truthful at the time. So I just simply said “thank you.”
But what to do with my feelings of guilt afterwards? And especially my friend outed me (which made us all laugh) about being allergic? My feelings were:
- Embarrassed
- Concerned
- Self-conscious
So when my neighbor showed up a little later, I immediately told her that I was, in fact, allergic. Her response was “Why didn’t you tell me?” now she was the one feeling embarrassed.
Had I been straightforward from the beginning, I would have avoided this situation entirely. My not being able to say No and be truthful caused disconnection, distrust, and embarrassment.
I am happy to say that this pineapple situation wasn’t that dire. We all laughed and moved on. But what caused this situation is my delusion. My hangup from the past, years ago, based on my own judgement.
We often do things to “be nice” that actually causes more confusion and disconnect. If we value true connections more, we need more truths, especially to ourselves. So the questions are not how to be nicer to others. It’s actually how can we be gentler, kinder, more compassionate and more truthful?
I believe being kind to yourself can be a start of creating more truthful and compassionate connections with others.