“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
~ Elizabeth Stone
What a true testament to what it feels like to parent. I am no expert on parenting and I’ve always wondered how people become parenting experts. You can call yourself a psychologist or a counselor but unless you are a feminine elder who parented children to their own parenthood age, how could you possibly become a parent expert?
But then, how could you become an expert when every child is so different? Even amongst siblings, they have their own minds and personalities…
I never actually imagined I would be a parent. There was a time that felt like it was never in my life’s planning. But once it happened, there was a sort of transformation within me where a logical part me took a backseat and a lot more parts in my life started to be operated out of, for the lack of better word, instincts, louder than feelings, a kind of force.
And everyone who has parented knows that feeling of “wearing your heart outside of the body.”
Watching your child going through pains
We lived on a tiny island in Indonesia where it was said that people die from going to a dentist. So in order to go see a dentist, we needed to fly out of the country.
You know what it’s like if you are a parent. We did our best but alas, we started to have problems with our son’s teeth. So now we are on a weekly mission to go to this excellent dentist who is 1.5hour drive away.
The first time I sat with my son as he started being treated, the pain of it was palpable in my own skin, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I tried to practice everything I’ve learned on pain and compassion like Pema Chödrön’s Tonglen practice.
The second appointment was the same and I started to pray to Gods. I didn’t care which Gods or Goddesses, just somebody, I just prayed he be spared from this pain.
I would not even try to imagine what it’s like to have a child with illnesses and I felt a huge surge of compassion that took me out of watching my son’s pain for the first time. But I did not try to rationalize myself into this thought, I just felt it.
In that moment, I felt myself extending an energetic embrace around all parents, past and future, who watch their children’s pains. I say this but it was not like I was thinking about this, I felt this.
I studied Tibetan Buddhism and Yoga Tantra teachings for more than a decade, I even majored in Psychology in a University. But not one of these wrote a manual for parenthood that I could read to prepare myself. There were no pages in the book I could look up.
But some teachings that have become a part of me, on a cellular level, because I studied and practiced over and over, just simply took over me in that moment.
And I suppose that’s what any great teachings do. You practice until they become parts of us so when the hour strikes, we don’t need to rationalize it but simply show itself to us.
Watching and feeling powerlessly, but watching nonetheless
But the discomfort and pain of watching your child going through pains doesn’t go away, does it?
While I was watching my son going through pain as he squeezed my hand, I felt powerless. I knew there was nothing I could do to ease this pain but I also knew this was the right thing to do. As much as this pain was terrible, I knew avoiding this pain would cause greater pains for him later. So I sat there, watching and feeling and holding his hand.
There is no ailment or tips to avoid, or any advice to this story, by the way.
And that is the point. If there is one thing I could offer to anyone from yogic teachings is that true empathy (not sympathy) makes you feel powerless and you can only watch someone process their pains and sit painfully together. No matter how hard you try, there is no way out of this. There is no magic breathing technique or mantra that you can chant to avoid this kind of pain.
Keep your heart soft and tender
I share this story with one purpose, only: to instill a moment of energetic connection amongst those who have experienced similar things.
I know that if you have had this experience, you know what I am talking about and possibly feeling what I am talking about. Some of you would even feel it in your skin or space between your heartbeats.
That is an extendable, collective compassion and empathy. We understand one another through feelings, not circumstances.
We may be experiencing different things in different circumstances, and your story may not involve dentists. But you do know what it’s like to feel powerless in pain. A part of conscious living is a practice of feeling, even when it’s hard to do so. And that’s also embracing the Divine Feminine power of life. Where there is no solution to avoid the pain and you muster your courage anyway to stop chasing for the way out and sit with them.
And if you have no child to parent, I hope my writing inspired you to kiss whoever parented you next time you see them.
If I had anything to offer to you, let’s stay with tender and soft, breakable hearts. Because they do break. Often.
Then they get bigger and more extendable so you can use it again. And perhaps that’s how we heal each other.